Lawyers - Have A Life!
by Robert Wicks Psy.D.
 Editor’s Note: Robert Wicks, Psy.D., has his doctorate in psychology and is a professor in the Pastoral Counseling Department at Loyola College of Maryland. He is the author of numerous books including Riding the Dragon: 10 Lessons for Inner Strength in Challenging Times. The article below is a modified version of material taken from his book Overcoming Secondary Stress in Medical and Nursing Practice: A Guide to Professional Resilence and Personal Well-Being. Lawyers encounter "secondary stress" in their daily efforts to help others. In this wonderful article, Dr. Wicks talks to us about how we can all learn to deal with such stress with greater skill, honesty and kindness towards ourselves.
"Live all you can; it’s a mistake not to. It doesn’t so much matter what you do in particular, so long as you have your life. If you haven’t had that, what have you had?"
– The Ambassadors by Henry James
"I think that any man who watches three football games in a row should be declared legally dead."
– Erma Bombeck
Physician and author Walker Percy in one of his novels poses the question: "What if you missed your life like a person misses a train?" Unfortunately, in today’s stressful world with multi-tasking the norm of the day, this is so easy for lawyers to do.
"Having a Life" is more than the absence of negative occurrences or pressures though. The sources of all stress cannot - - and probably should not - - be prevented. Yet, they can be limited and, more importantly as those who study resilience report, the way stress impacts us does not have to be totally negative. As a matter of fact, amidst life’s stress and suffering, maybe even because of it, when we have the tools to enhance resilience and strengthen the sense of meaning in our life, then a strong appreciation of what both the welcome and unwelcome aspects hold for us becomes more possible.
All of us have an opportunity to become even deeper and more compassionate because of the stress in our lives if we are aware of some basic practices to contain and understand it, are mindful, reasonably self-aware, and learn how to maintain a healthy sense of resilience and perspective. In observing and working with lawyers, physicians, nurses, psychotherapists, educators, relief workers, persons in full-time ministry, and other professional helpers and healers who have demonstrated resilience, I have found that how they experience even the most difficult encounters in life is quite telling. As the existentialist writer Albert Camus recognized: "When a person has learned - - not merely on paper - - how to remain alone with his sufferings, how to overcome his longing to flee, then he has little left to learn."
A physician who is working in Somalia during a devastating famine is a good example of this. During the height of the starvation, he was approached by an interviewer from National Public Radio (NPR) and the United States with the following question: "Doctor, how can you stand all of this carnage? The old people are dropping like flies. And the children are dying in such numbers that you are stacking them up in the corner like firewood rather than burying them immediately? How can you stand it?" (You could hear the pain in his voice). The physician stopped, turned to the interviewer and said: "When you watch this horror on television in the U.S. you’re overwhelmed by it, aren’t you?" When the reporter from NPR nodded, the physician went on: "Well we in-country feel the same, if not more, pain than all of you but there’s one difference." To this, the interviewer (who himself had obviously been in many disastrous situations and was quite affected by the human tragedy before him) asked in an incredulous voice: "What difference?" To which the physician softly responded: "You can’t lose hope as long as you are making friends."
This is the type of attitude or inner space marked by a sense of resilience, a healthy perspective, and a sense of purpose that is not only wonderful for the persons who have it but also a gift to those who cross their path. Visvas is a Sanskirt word that literally translated means "to have trust, to breathe freely, to be without fear." Being able to offer our friends, co-workers, and family the "inter-psychological space" of visvas can make all the difference both in our own life and personal interactions we have with others as lawyers. It is irrelevant whether we refer to this base as our perspective, attitude, outlook or the possibly more inclusive term "inner life", it is unique and often counter-cultural.
The "inner or interior life" is what some point to as a place where non-judgmental self-awareness, simplicity, freedom and truth flourish. It is also the psychological or spiritual "place" in which deeply-felt needs are experienced and addressed. These include:
• A need for permanence in a civilization of transience;
• A need for silence in the midst of noise;
• A need for gratuitousness in the face of unbelievable greed;
• A need for poverty amid the flaunting of wealth;
• A need for contemplation [or mindfulness meditation] in a century of action, for without contemplation, action risks becoming mere agitation;
• A need for communication in a Universe content with entertainment and sensationalism;
• A need for peace amid today’s universal outburst of violence;
• A need for quality to counterbalance the increasingly prevalent response to quantity;
• A need for humility to counteract arrogance of power and science;
• A need for human warmth when everything is being rationalized or computerized;
• A need to belong to a small group rather than to be part of the crowd;
• A need for slowness to compensate for the present eagerness for speed;
• A need for truth when the real meaning of words is distorted in political speeches and sometimes even in religious discourse;
• A need for transparency when everything else seems opaque.
Yes, a need for the interior life . . . (Dubois, 1983, pp. 273-274).
The interior or inner life includes those psychological factors, schemata underlying or spirituality/philosophy that provide us with resilience, a sound attitude, and a sense of honesty over transparency. Different psychological methods, non-theistic philosophies of compassionate living (e.g. Buddhism), and other wordly spiritualities emphasize various approaches to enhancing this sense within us. However, as we look across the board at these philosophies/psychologies/spiritualities of living, the themes that seem to resonate in different ways, no matter what the approach are:
• Valuing the need for self-care as an integral part of self-respect;
• Having a balanced circle of friends that includes four essential voices: the Prophet (who asks us "who’s pulling your strings?"), the Cheerleader who supports you, the Harasser who teases you, and the Inspirational Friend who calls you to be all that you can be without embarrassing you that you are where you are at this point;
• Knowing some of the key concepts of resilience that are emphasized by experts in the field;
• Appreciating the value of being able to reach out compassionably without being pulled down;
• Being able to debrief yourself so stress doesn’t build up and self-knowledge increases;
• Having the honesty and true humility to see your gifts as clearly as your growing edges;
• Discovering and availing yourself of the rich resources of silence, solitude and mindfulness;
• Recognizing the dangers of psychologically toxic life situations and unhelpful attitudes, and finally;
• Learning how to develop and reflect upon your personally-developed resilience profile.
The approaches above represent more than a series of techniques (as important as they are) for persons who believe that seeking more balance and depth is essential. Instead, they are part of the dramatic process of truly taking a leap into embracing richer self-knowledge, more honest self-appreciation, and enacting the compassionate generativity that results from personal resilience and a quality of life that values what is truly good. But it does take a commitment to go deeper into our sense of self than even we thought possible. I experienced this personally a number of years ago during one of my regular visits to a personal mentor.
The sessions that I had with him were designed to help me keep perspective. At the time, as I am now, I was in the process of helping other healing, helping, and health professionals who were facing their own challenges, darkness, stress, and changes. As one might expect, helping them face their own secondary stress (the pressures that result in reaching out to others), anxiety, despair and darkness it was psychologically dangerous for me as well. My mentor knew this and called me not to retreat but to go deeper in my own life. The following personal reflection on this interaction between the two of us (that was originally written for persons interested in better understanding the mentoring relationship) illustrates his approach with me on accomplishing this at one point in my journey:
Several months ago we were walking through the Virginia countryside on a sunny, crisp winter day. About half-way through our usual route along the Shenandoah River, he surprised me with a comment: "I think now may be a good time for you to take your inner life more seriously."
Although the statement seemed quite accurate to me at the time, later I wondered why I had not reacted more defensively to it. After all, for almost two years I had been driving one and one-half hours each way, every six weeks or so, to see him. I really felt I had been investing good time and energy in being more open to the deeper elements in my life. So, my natural response could well have been: "Well, what do you think I have been doing?"
However, I think the ideal timing and accuracy of this, as well as the trust I had in him and our relationship, made me see his words much differently. What I instantly felt he was trying to tell me was that it was time to leap more fully and freely and deeply into what was truly important in life. (Wickes, 1997, p. 3)
More specifically, I think he meant that I needed to be involved in a three-fold movement to be more clear as to: (1) the meaning that drove my work as a caregiver for other caregivers and what provided a theme and purpose of my personal life; (2) how I could continue to care for others in a professionally and deeply compassionate manner; and (3) how I could truly nurture my own interior life through creative, new, disciplined, and simple ways that were keeping with recent psychological, classic philosophical approaches - - what might refer to as a sense of resilience and mindfulness.
Upon further reflection, I recognize that to accomplish this though, I would need to become even more aware of the very things that I encouraged in others as paths to greater resilience and a higher quality of life. In other words, I would need to be honest enough to appreciate (as others who were wiser than I already had accomplished due to greater self-awareness and interest in personal renewal) that when we are not mindful:
• We get upset over too many things.
• Changes in one’s life/schedule need not be seen only as disruptive.
• When we are not aware, quiet compulsions, rhythms, and resistence seem to rule more and more of our life, sapping it of its freshness.
• We increasingly use the unproductive "once this happens" (my children graduate college, I have more time, my challenging coworkers appreciate what I’m trying to do to help them . . . ) philosophy of coping with stress in the now.
• There are increasing yearnings for, and daydreaming about, having more simplicity in our lives without taking any actions to achieve this.
• There is a large disconnect between the healthy way we treat our family, friends, co-workers and acquaintances and the manner in which we treat ourselves.
• There’s a failure to withdraw our projections so we can "psychologically touch" everything - - especially what we term "negative" - - that we notice about ourselves - - non-judgmentally and with compassion.
• A great deal of our time is spent either in the silver casket of nostalgia or fantasizing about the future when we will be free to do "big things."
• Our rare time alone only seems to offer us a chance to ruminate, be resentful, worry, become discouraged, and feel lost, bored or confused instead of providing the renewal that comes with some helpful guidance on mindfulness practice.
• An inordinate amount of time is wasted on the trivial (prestige, money, influence, fame, security and pleasure) while the essential simple joys of life are downplayed or elusive.
• Passion and commitment to what is really good and the awe and privilege of walking with people in our life who are troubled (but really doing the best they can) has been replaced in some/many instances with attention only to the mechanics of "doing good" simply out of duty.
• A deep respect for patience and pacing has been replaced by me to hurry, achieve, and "finally arrive" (whatever that means)."
• Little potential mindfulness meditative periods (waiting in life, cancellation of an appointment, a brief illness . . .) are not accessed as spontaneous opportunities for the quiet, reflective peaceful times they could be.
• An honoring of the rhythms of life seems absent and transitions only annoying.
• Time between appointments or at the end of the day to reflect, debrief ourselves, and detoxify from what we perceive as negative encounters is seen as a luxury given our full schedule and desire to quickly leave for home.
• The "ghosts" of our past, when they intrude upon our peace and joy, are not viewed as "teachers" that carry valuable information for our growth so wind up merely as wasted ruminations.
• Periods of reflection fall prey to attitudes of arrogance (projection), ignorance (self-condemnation) or discouragement (a need for immediate gratification) rather than being filled with a spirit of intrigue about our gifts, growing edges, and resistences.
• Rather than fully apprising our signature strengths and also seeing them as path to serve others, we ignore, belittle them and hear praise in a whisper and negative feedback as thunder.
• Our interactions with others are no longer fresh; in our conversations, pat phrases, negative comments, and worn stories are becoming more of the rule.
• Our psychological health and love of life are no longer positively infectious with those we love and are trying to help.
• We have very few activities in our lives that aren’t competitive, for gain, or designed to either add to our sense of security,or serve to "medicate" our anxieties and worries so we can avoid facing them.
• We have forgotten the major role of courage and the value of simplicity and transparency in how we lead our life.
• And sadly, the desire to be truly sincere and respectful with ourselves has lost its greatness in our eyes.
Being aware of these points, as well as when and where they are especially valid for us, can help lead to a deeper and more resilient self. Yet, to access them we would also require a broader self-awareness or strength in us and in the process become more resilient. And, that is what is at the heart of any work you do to enhance your own resilience.
It is amazing how little it can take to accomplish such a shift in the emotional tide in favor of continuously renewing ourselves and strengthening our lives in today’s challenging legal climate. Even small alterations in behavior can sometimes jumpstart a positive step to a healthier attitude so that our helpful presence to others can remain robust and without undue personal agendas.
For instance in my own life, shortly after graduating from Hahnemann Medical College with my doctorate in psychology, as is common for a young new graduate, I dove into a sea of work. I was teaching full-time at Bryn Mawr College’s graduate school’s social work and social research, developing a counseling load of 15 to 20 patients weekly, consulting, undertaking clinical research, writing and in the process of quickly becoming emotionally exhausted myself!
Despite all this work, I decided to accept "just one more invitation" to speak to a group of educators on, of all topics, "burnout." As I prepared for the talk, I thought, "what a charlatan. I’m so fatigued and I’m going to address this topic? What a joke!" However, an unusual thing happened when I started reading the recent clinical papers and research findings published on burnout. (What is sometimes referred to as "compassion fatigue.") Surprising to me, rather than my absorption in the clinical and research material on the topic draining me further, slowly but surely I was feeling more and more invigorated by what I read.
I was feeling I could now label the problem. In addition, I was better able to find an approach to facing the toxic work stress I was experiencing and to improve the overall quality of my personal life as well. Also, when I brought this information – and the increased energy I felt – to the informal self-debriefing I normally undertook at the end of each day (which was a carry over from my early clinical training), I also could see that I was reinvesting myself again in the wonders of my profession. I was beginning to recall my original love for the challenges of clinical psychology rather than mindlessly and compulsively moving from task to task. Moreover, I found myself appreciating and seeking to enhance the signature gifts and talents supervisors had pointed out to me instead of merely focusing on my own shortcomings. The epiphany that I experienced over 30 years ago never totally left me. Instead, it has been reinforced by the research and other literature recently published on mindfulness, and contemporary positive psychology, and Zen therapy/Buddhist psychology. It is also a source of the spirit with which I encourage you to read further on this topic.
More about Dr. Wicks:
He has taught in universities and professional schools of psychology, medicine, social work, nursing and theology including Bryn Mawr’s Graduate School of Social Work and Social Research and Princeton Theological Seminary. In 2003 he was the Commencement speaker for the Wright State School of Medicine in Dayton, Ohio and was also a Visiting Scholar and in 2005 the Commencement Speaker at Stritch School of Medicine in Chicago. The past several years he has spoken at John Hopkins School of Medicine and Harvard’s Children’s Hospital on his two major areas of expertise: the prevention of secondary stress (the pressures encountered in reaching out to others) and integration of psychology and spirituality from a world religion perspective. He has also addressed 10,000 educators in the Air Canada Arena in Toronto, spoken at the FBI Academy, and led a weeklong course in Paris. In his clinical practice, Dr. Wickes focuses on working with psychotherapists, physicians, nurses, educators, relief workers and persons in full-time ministry.
In 1994, he was responsible for the psychological debriefing of relief workers evacuated from Rwanda during their bloody civil war. In 1993, and again in 2001, he worked in Cambodia. During these visits, his work was with professionals from the English-speaking community who were present to help the Khmer people rebuild their nation following the years of terror and torture. In 2006, he also delivered a presentation on self-care at the National Naval Medical Center in Bethesda, Maryland and Walter Reed Army Hospital to those health care professionals responsible for Iraqi war veterans evacuated to the U.S. with multiple amputations and severe head injuries.
Dr. Wicks has served as General Editor of three series of books, and published over 40 books for both professionals and the general public. One of his latest works is entitled, Riding the Dragon. About it, Gandhi’s grandson, who was the founder of an institute on non-violence, said: "With life offering so many more challenges as we pursue a culture of violence, Dr. Wicks’ book on how to ride the dragon instead of trying to slay it, is not only timely but very effective." His most recent books for professionals, Overcoming Secondary Stress in Medical and Nursing Practice and The Resilient Clinician have both been published by Oxford University Press. He can be reached via Email at rwicks@loyola.edu.
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