"Determined to Save the Only Life You Could Save"

"The Journey" is a painting which I purchased a couple of years ago from noted Buffalo watercolor artist, Catherine Parker.  (See Catherine's works at http://www.catherineparkerpaintings.com.) There was something about the painting that moved me deeply. I have often thought, as many have, of life as a journey. And for me, and millions of others, part of that journey is living with depression.

Some time after I bought the painting, by happenstance, I came across a beautiful poem by the poet, Mary Oliver, called "The Journey". To me, the poem like the painting, speaks about everyone’s journey that they can choose to take toward’s an authentic and healthy life. Yes, even lawyers. Harper Lee, in the preface to her beloved "To Kill A Mockingbird, quotes Charles Lamb who wrote: "I guess all attorneys were children once". How poignant that such a sentiment comes from Lamb, a noted 18th Century English Essayist, who struggled with "melancholia" his whole life and spent six weeks in a psychiatric hospital.

There is great beauty and depth in Lamb's simple sentiment. We should all remember that we were all innocent and vulnerable children at the beginning of our journeys. Somewhere inside each of us resides the brilliance of our younger selves and their potential. We all hunger for a connection with this sweetness that, all too often, has been broken down by the world we live and work in as lawyers.  When the process of being "broken down" goes too far, we can end up suffering from depression.

Catherine Parker’s painting shows darkened figures in the foreground and in the distance a forest of trees. Beyond the trees is a brilliant light. When I decided to use the painting as a symbol for the website, I contacted Catherine Parker and met with her to discuss the painting and what it meant to both of us. ( Read our interview with Catherine Parker. ) To deal with depression and get better, we must take the journey towards the light where everything is illuminated - - where our darkness and isolation can be seen in the light of day. Where a clarity can develop where once there was only disordered thinking and depressed affect.

In Buddhism, which has a great deal to teach us about the mind and living a healthy life, "mindfulness" is a key to illumination. According to Buddhism, awareness is like "turning the light on in a dark room" and concentration is like shining a flashlight on an object. The former is broader and the latter more specific. We can develop these skills and mental habits to deal more wisely with our depressive thoughts and feelings. We need to detach from our disordered thoughts and gain some space and perspective to see if  the thoughts we are thinking and behaviors we are acting out are good for us. So often, the thoughts are self-punishing, hopeless and uninspiring. In short, they help make us sick.  I have sometimes thought of getting better as going on a healthy diet.  We need to limit our consumption of unhealthy thoughts and behaviors which do, just like an unhealthy diet, make us sick.

Christianity has a similar approach though it is dependent on the belief in God and Jesus as a savior. Psalm 23 from the Old Testament, eloquently speaks to those living in misery: "The people who walked in darkness have seen a great light." Like mindfulness, such "light"can illuminate the darkness of our depression. One of the most painful aspects of a depressive episode for me is a sense of isolation and abandonment – even when there are loved ones around me. God is there to remind me that I am, most certainly, not alone.

Friends have often asked me how can you believe in all that baloney taught by the church. For me, the question doesn’t really have much relevance. I have often thought of my time with God, principally, as one of relationship not dogma. The true meaning of all relationships is hard to capture in words. Jesus was confronted by one of the disciples about all the stories being circulated about him. He turned to his disciple and simply said: "Who do you say I am?" Jesus is asking him to reflect on his own experience of their relationship. That, after all, is the only thing that matters. In Christianity, Jesus’ question is directed to us all. He is inviting all of us on a journey with him. This journey with him can help us as we struggle with depression. We hunger for and need relationships because of the experiences we have when we inhabit them. They have the capacity to feed the deepest part of ourselves. In the midst of depression, we need our spiritual and human relationships to help us get better.

For depressives, living with depression is like being enslaved in a life of profound suffering where there is very little joy. Rather, there is pain and darkness at every turn. Yet, we must remain, as Mary Oliver poem says, "determined to save the only life we could save." – ourselves.  I don't believe this part of the poem is encouraging to be selfish.  Rather, it is encouraging us to take responsibility for our lives and our healing. We must continue walking on our journey towards the light of our own awakening. Often times, not even knowing where or what the light is. Yet, we know the darkness and its harsh geography all too well.

Psalm 23 later says, in perhaps its most potent imagery: "Yea though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil. For your rod and staff comfort and protect me." All humans must walk through "the valley of the shadow of death". The valley is a another metaphor for the journey of life. Life is full of trench-like experiences into which we must descend whether we wish to or not: death of a loved one, the grinding stressors of everyday life, growing older and facing our own mortality, losses of every variety, divorce, conflicts with others and you-name-it-trouble. Jon Kabit-Zinn captures what a healthy response to such turmoil looks like in his wonderful book, "Full Catastrophe Living". The title is taken from the book, later turned into a movie, "Zobra the Greek." As some point, the protagonist asks Zorba if he has a wife or children. Zorba replies: "Wife! Children! The full catastrophe!!!" Such a response humorous captures some of the wit and wisdom of all the things we can’t fully control yet must dance with on our journey. We often can’t control depression.  Yet, we can develop a relationship to deal that is healthier and more compassionate to ourselves.  We can create a healthy lifestyle that can make the journey towards the light more possible

For people afflicted with depression, the trenches of life feel deeper and more difficult to climb out of. The motif of "the journey" reminds us that we all must keep walking, must keep trying to get well and must create a lifestyle that supports our wellness. We must maintain a spirit of challenge and be "determined to save the only life we ever could."