Stressed and Depressed Guys in Blue Suits

Beneath the body armor of their pin-striped suits, male lawyers carry a terrible burden. Corrosive levels of stress bombard them and they’re expected to pony up and take it by fellow lawyers and judges — and themselves. There is a serious disconnect between the conversations going on inside their heads about how they really feel about their inner turmoil and the ways they present themselves to their busy world as competent, confident and glacial under pressure.

Studies show that lawyers suffer from elevated rates of stress and depression —  more than double the rates found in the general population. There are some physiological and psychological clues as to why this is so for men in the legal profession.

A new study finds that stressed men have diminished activity in brain regions responsible for understanding other’s feelings.  The study concludes that under stress, men tend to withdraw socially while women seek emotional support.  Recently, I was preparing for a trial scheduled to go on a Monday.   I had worked hard the whole weekend and was cranky and exhausted.  Sunday afternoon, my wife asked if I felt okay and whether I was stressed.  I shrugged off her question and said that I really didn’t want to talk about it. 

Yet in times when my wife is stressed, she turns to me for support and encouragement – and she’s a lawyer too.  As a man in the legal profession, I expect myself to just bear it and soldier on through the mud of litigation.  If you can’t take it, you can’t cut it goes the mindset in the legal culture.  As if there were no middle ground, no way to express this sense of free-floating anxiety.  As if it was all that simple.

There was an interesting article in yesterday’s ABA Journal, “Lawyers under Stress are Critical, Cautious and Distant, Personality Test Shows.” The tests, administered to 1800 lawyers at big firms, were conducted in collaboration with Hogan Assessment Systems, found that, on average, the lawyers:

• Generally do not seem to have a strong need for public recognition, although there is a subset of lawyers who seem to crave recognition and notoriety.

• Tend to deal with others in a direct and matter-of-fact way, but may come across as cold, critical and argumentative.

• Tend to be self-critical and temperamental but are also self-aware, open to feedback, and emotionally expressive.

• Are most attracted to environments that emphasize quality and are less commercially focused than professionals in other industries.

• Tend to value education and educational activities.

While these stress-related problems don’t necessarily cause male depression, they are additional risk factors for those are predisposed to it.

Terrence Real, author of the book “I Don’t Want to Talk about It,” makes an important point about how men deal with their melancholy: for every male who discloses his depression and gets treatment, there are four others who are able to hide it and won’t get help. He writes:

“Covert male depression has three main domains: self-medication, isolation and lashing out. Self-medication may be drinking, drugging, womanizing and even watching excessive amounts of television. Some forms of self-medication are tolerated by our culture so it is hard to get across that what these men are doing is stabilizing depression.

A covertly depressed man will isolate himself and withdraw from intimacy with his partner, his kids, his friends. He can’t afford to be intimate with others because he is desperately trying not to be intimate with himself.

Lashing out can mean violence and domestic abuse. Untreated depression may be an integral part of many male batterers.”

Men drive their pain deeper into the well of their being to avoid dealing with it, to avoid facing the fact that they feel overburdened and, perhaps, afraid.  Alone at the bottom, there is darkness with no ladder out.  Many of them will need an escape rope dropped into them by other caring people, if they are lucky to have such people in their lives.  They feel odd and alone; like they are the only man alive with this problem.

In fact, depression is a secret pain at the core of many men’s lives, and one that goes largely undiagnosed and untreated. Watch the trailer of the recent documentary “Men Get Depression” which aired on PBS:

What Men Can Do About Stress

Check out this stress blog by therapist, Elizabeth Scott.

We all know exercise is important to controlling our stress levels. The problem isn’t that we don’t know that. The problem is that we don’t do it.  Hook up with a trainer at your local gym.  It’s is a relatively cheap way to motivate you to exercise. It also makes you accountable to someone and it’s painful to the pocketbook if you blow it off – must trainers charge you for no-shows! Here’s a great blog about managing stress with exercise and a good diet from a personal trainer.  Also check out the book Spark: The Revolutionary New Science of Exercise and the Brain which has three great sections about stress, anxiety and depression and what happens to the human body when we work out. I do use a trainer and it has had a dramatic impact on stress loads I carry.

For a quick fix, check this web article “Eight Immediate Stress-Busters.”

Read an article I wrote for lawyers in December, 2008 edition of Trial Magazine, “The Connection between Stress, Anxiety and Depression.” It is a companion to Dr. Andrew Benjamn’s wise advice, “Reclaim Your Life, Reclaim Your Practice.”

What Men Can Do About Depression

Read Terrence Real’s book because it’s important for all of us to learn about depression from a male perspective.  Also check out the website Mid-Life Men which offers stories from guys about their depression experiences.

Have your wife read Is He Depressed or What? Many women ask themselves this question every day wondering whether their husband or boyfriend’s short temper, tendency to withdraw, and mysterious physical complaints might be indications of some deeper psychological issue. The book offers an overview of the ways men typically express signs of depression. It provides strategies they can use for improving communication, dealing with relationship complications, and coping with men’s physical symptoms related to depression, such as insomnia and sexual dysfunction.

Above all, the book helps your spouse avoid becoming lost in your depression. By paying attention to their own needs, they can best preserve their well-being and peace of mind—and so are able to offer the most support to you.  I often suggest that men buy this book for their wives rather than ask their wives to go out and buy it.  This demonstrates that you are in this together, that you care about her feelings and that you want her to understand.

Get help.  Therapy is not scary and you don’t have to go it alone. Therapy will help you to feel better by having someone to talk with.  Check out this article where a therapist answers seven questions about how therapy works and what to expect. It is something productive you can do about your stress, anxiety and depression and it can help you to develop some better coping skills.  If you are concerned about being seen, many therapists have early morning or late evening hours. You also tell them that you have a concern about being seen by fellow attorneys or judges and request that he or she not schedule you at a time when that therapist may be treating someone you don’t want to see.

Men, you can’t handle exorbitant levels of stress and depression on your own.  It’s not shameful to get help.

Coming Out of Our Caves: Male Depression

Guys have lots of trouble coming to terms with depression. All the more so if you’re a lawyer. Lawyers aren’t supposed to have problems; we’re supposed to fix them. Most male lawyers I know would rather drop dead than admit that they have problem with depression. I guess the exception to this observation is when the wheels have fallen off for them. Then – and only then – do they recognize (hopefully) that they are suffering from depression and the toll that it is taking on their lives. The consequences for failing to recognize this basic fact can be serious (loss of productivity at work, sleep problems, etc.) or fatal (middle aged lawyers commit suicide at twice the rate of the national average).

Psychologist, Terrance Real, the author of the book, I Don’t Want to Talk About It: Overcoming the Secret Legacy of Male Depression, makes the observation that we don’t think of men as depressed. This is so because what we are really thinking about is “overt” depression and more women show signs of that – weeping, a willingness to discuss painful feelings, etc. Men suffer from “covert” depression that expresses itself in addiction, isolation, workaholism, isolation and increased irritability.

“Men are just as feelingful, just as relational, just as connected, just as dependent, just as needy, as women are. Men have been coerced since childhood to forego these relational qualities and skills and squeeze their sense of membership and self-esteem through performance. Girls are taught to filter their sense of self-worth through connection to others, and boys are taught to filter their sense of self-worth through performance. That’s a vulnerable foundation for one’s self-worth” notes Real in an interview.

The excellent website, Men Get Depression, says there are three distinctive signs of male depression:

Pain
Depression may show up as physical signs like constant headaches, stomach problems, or pain that doesn’t seem to be from other causes or that doesn’t respond to normal treatments.

Risk Taking
Sometimes, depressed men will start taking risks like dangerous sports, compulsive gambling, reckless driving, and casual sex.

Anger
Anger can show itself in different ways like road rage, having a short temper, being easily upset by criticism, and even violence.

So often, the first symptom that male lawyers notice that they are slipping is in the performance department. One of the symptoms of clinical depression is difficulty concentrating. This leads to problems in getting work out the door. We may try to hide that our work is slipping – ask for extensions, take much longer to do tasks that were simple and routine in the past. If the problem doesn’t go away, some will seek out help – usually through their family doctor (who distribute 80% of the prescriptions in this country for antidepressant medications). Some will go the extra step of seeing a therapist that they can talk with about their problems.

My therapist used to liken my depression to a caveman camping out in his cave. It took a lot to coax me out of there. Men need to come out of their caves into the light of day where the colors are brighter, others live who can help us and where we can finally feel the sun of being worthy without having to perform twenty-four seven in our legal careers.

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