How Lawyers With Depression Disappear

One of my favorite things to watch as a child with my dad was The Ed Sullivan Show; an extravaganza of bands, comedians, and ventriloquists all hamming it up in front of a live audience and folks across America glued to their first generation color T.V. sets.

magicianI once saw a famous magician perform, right after Liberace.  He stepped into a giant box onstage that he had set fire to and then . . . disappeared.  To my six-year-old eyes, that really was magic. Older, and perhaps a little wiser, I now know that it was a trick: only the appearance of disappearance.

It seems to me that lawyers with depression seemingly disappear from life.  They have the appearance of being present, but they really just aren’t.

They sit at their desks and look like they are doing their jobs, but inside they are someplace far away, a place where depression has taken them to, a dark cave beneath a turbulent neurochemical sea.

Why do lawyers so often hide when depressed?

Fear

They are scared to death.  They know that there is something seriously wrong with their lives and that it’s not going away. Their life, on a fundamental level, isn’t working. It is broken.  They can’t concentrate.  They are getting behind in their work. “What if other people realize that I’m not really as together as I seem to be?” they ask themselves.  “What happens if my job falls apart?”  Driven by these fearful redheaded demons, they go into hiding.  They disappear. They close their doors and surf the web trying to distract themselves from the pain of depression and the long list of things they need to do for work which just aren’t getting done.

Lack of Energy

Depression is a disease of inertia.  There is a limited supply of energy. It also seems as though the tank is nearing empty with no gas station in sight.  Anything that isn’t judged absolutely necessary gets left behind.  And make no mistake about it.  Depression is a killer and most in its clutches feel like they are just trying to survive it: sometimes a day at a time, sometimes from moment to moment.

Shame

Many lawyers disappear because they feel a deep level of toxic shame; that they are to blame for their depression.  They feel as if they are a big fat zero and deserve to disappear into . . . nothingness.  Shame isn’t the same as guilt.  Guilt is usually understood to involve negative feelings about an act one has committed while shame involves deeply negative feelings about oneself.  Embarrassment deals with exposure to one’s peers or society at large; shame can be experienced secretly – and often is.

If you were to look into their eyes very carefully, you might see a very deep level of sorrow.  A searing pain that they have tried to numb with food, alcohol, drugs, zoning out in front of the television to keep them going, a pain that haunts them.

They Want to Be Alone

One lawyer told me that suffering from depression and being in a room full of people was simply too much for her.  It was, as she described as if the depression in her head had “turned the volume in the room way up” and she couldn’t take all the stimulation; the noise of other people.  All that she wanted to do was be by herself.  She didn’t want to talk to anyone.  She just learned to be alone.  To go to bed, pull up the covers and drift into sleep’s merciful unconsciousness.  Author Ned Vizzini, author of the book It’s Kind of a Funny Story, wrote:

“I didn’t want to wake up.  I was having a much better time asleep.  And that’s really sad.  It was almost like a reverse nightmare, like when you wake up from a nightmare you’re so relieved. I woke up into a nightmare.”

What kind of magician are you?  Do you go into hiding when you’re depressed?  Please share your stories with fellow readers of this site.  In my next blog, I will talk about what steps we can take to “reappear” in our lives.  How we can become re-engaged with the conversation of our lives.

Copyright, 2016, Daniel T. Lukasik, Esq.

 

Lawyers, Drinking, Depression: A Problem That Isn’t Going Away

A landmark study by the American Bar Association and the Hazelden Betty Ford Foundation depicts a profession troubled by problem drinking, depression, anxiety—and abiding fears about seeking help. In a pair of interviews, Joan Bibelhausen of LCL and study co-author Linda Albert discuss the findings and what the profession can do to address them. Read the News

Cautionary Takes of Personal Burnout

Lawyer Megan Zavieh writes, “My purpose is to encourage attorneys to stop buying into the “Superman complex” — the idea that nothing is going to hurt you — and consider the ramifications of not taking care of yourself.”  Read her Blog

The Happy Horizon Keeps Unhappy Lawyers Stuck

Lawyer Jennifer Alvey writes, “I’d be willing to bet more than 80% of you live with a Happy Horizon in your head. The Happy Horizon is the fantasy you use to convince yourself that all your angst over your job is just a temporary blip, rather than the actual contours of your daily existence.” Read her Blog

3 Lies Lawyers Should Stop Telling Themselves

Lawyer and author of the new book, “The Anxious Lawyer: An Eight-week Guide to a Happier, Saner Law Practice Using Mindfulness,” Jenna Cho writes that lawyers tell themselves three big lies: that they aren’t good enough, that more is better and that they must sacrifice themselves and their well-being for others. Read her Blog

The Legal Profession’s Drinking Problem

CNN reports the findings of a new study which found that approximately 15,000 currently employed attorneys reveals that between 21% and 36% drink at levels consistent with an alcohol use disorder. For comparison, those numbers are roughly 3-5 times higher than the government estimates for alcohol use disorders in the general population. The study also uncovered similarly alarming rates of depression and anxiety, while further identifying why it is that most lawyers don’t seek help: a pervasive fear of harming their reputation.  Read the News

Depression Defies Rationality: Sad on a Sunny Day

Kerri K. Morris writes in the Chicago Tribune, “A few months ago, I told a friend at work that I struggle with depression. She was surprised and said, ‘How can you be depressed with your job and your family? You don’t have any problems.’ I swallowed hard. But, then I stopped and realized, I’m not depressed because of these things. It’s not cause and effect. It’s depression, and depression defies rationality. It doesn’t follow the laws of physics or of logic.  Read her Blog

Hope Counts: Rising Up from Depression

Depression corrodes our sense of hope.

Elizabeth Wurtzel, in her her best-selling book Prozac Nation, wrote:

“That’s the thing about depression: A human being can survive almost anything, as long as she sees the end in sight. But depression is so insidious, and it compounds daily, that it’s impossible to ever see the end.”  

We can’t imagine a future without depression. When we’re in the thick of its slimy grasp, our deadened and bleak state seems to go on and on and on. Days become more about survival and meeting our most basic obligations. And nothing more because we don’t have anything left to give. Our life becomes smaller. We’re treading water because there doesn’t seem an end in sight. We’re hit by the stun gun of depression.

Our most urgent hope is . . . the absence of depression.

tunnel

But the absence of pain isn’t the presence of joy and all that makes life worth living. As Richard O’Connor, Ph.D. wrote in his book Undoing Depression:

“We confuse depression, sadness, and grief.  However, the opposite of depression is not happiness, but vitality – the ability to experience the full range of emotions, including happiness, excitement, sadness, and grief.  It’s not sadness or grief, it’s an illness.”

Amanda Knapp writes eloquently of her own experience:

“Depression, for me, is a miles deep crater that I believe I will never crawl out of.  It’s disillusionment born of an unfulfilled longing for peace.  It’s fear that hope will raise me up just to drop me even further down.  It’s a cocoon of despair snuggled all around me doing its best to keep me from breaking when the inevitable fall comes. The irony in all of that is that it precludes me from living and dreaming and hoping and praying. But I hold on to it so strongly at times, as if my life depends on it.  Because sometimes it feels like it does. But I sit here today, decently removed from the worst of those moments of despair, and I feel myself longing for hope.”

It’s critical that we deliberately nurture a hope better than just relief from our melancholy. We need to rise up out of the dust of our suffering. It’s not enough to exist. Our existence must matter. Living a life with meaning and purpose give us hope because it brings out the best in us – even with depression. And it’s a heroic journey.

hero reeve

I once wrote:

“In my view, folks with depression are not so much hapless, as they are heroes.What’s a hero after all? Someone who has a great challenge to confront? Check. Someone who must confront great adversity? Check. Someone who must get up every day and do battle with a formidable foe? Check. You see, for those of you who are struggling with depression right now, YOU ARE THAT PERSON. You’re the person who has to get up every day and cope with your depression. Others can help and support you, but it’s ultimately your walk to walk. And what a courageous walk it is; every single step of it.

Some of the best people that I’ve been privileged to know struggle with depression. While they don’t have shiny medals pinned on their lapels, there is an unmistakable strength in them – even if they don’t see it. I know it’s real because I see and feel it – just like when I am in a grove of giant and majestic pines during a walk in the forest.”

Dr. Anthony Scioli, author of Hope in the Age of Anxiety, writes that one of the things needed to build up our hope muscles is faith and a spiritual foundation (whether it be in God, nature or a higher power) to experience a more open attitude for developing faith in others as well as the universe.

Pope John Paul II once said,

“Do not abandon yourself to despair. We are the Easter people and hallelujah is our hope.”

So, nourish hope in your heart. Surround yourself with hopeful people, places and books.

And resolve to be hopeful.

Copyright, 2016 by Daniel T. Lukasik

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Depression Screening for All?

From National Public Radio‘s program, “On Point with Tom Ashbrook,” a great conversation with experts about a new national task force’s recommendation that says everyone should be screened for depression.  Listen to the Podcast

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