Why It’s Important to Join a Depression Support Group

“What can I do to help my depression?”

Well, there are many things you go do, really:  therapy, medication, etcetera, etcetera.

But one idea you might not have given much thought to: join a depression support group.  There are many benefits.   I have belonged to one for the past seven years. Here are some of my thoughts about why it’s good for you and how to find one.

Why It’s Good For You

One of the worst aspects of depression is the loneliness that sufferers endure.  There are several reasons why this is so: they don’t feel up to being with other people, others simply don’t understand, or they feel a sense of shame and hide.  While it may be a good idea to take “timeout” from others to enjoy some peace or not share with others that we have strong reason to believe won’t understand, these strategies are often maladaptive and only serve to maintain and/or fuel one’s depression.  Here is a bit of hard-won wisdom I’ve learned:  when I feel the worst is when I most need to be with other people and share.

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Being with others is even more critical when you’re in pain.  You need to communicate your distress and know that your “tribe” will listen and care.  When this doesn’t happen, you feel alone, distressed and even abandoned.  You wander in the wilderness of pain by yourself and endure it as best you can.  But don’t you deserve better than that?

Having a place to admit and share your story

Andrew Solomon, author of the best-selling book The Noonday Demon: An Atlas of Depression, writes:

Depression is a disease of loneliness. Many untreated depressives lack friends because it saps the vitality that friendship requires and immures its victims in an impenetrable sheath, making it hard for them to speak or hear words of comfort. Worldly success does little to assuage that agony, as Robin Williams’ suicide makes clear. Love, both expressed and received, is helpful, not because it  ameliorates the symptoms of depression (it does not), but because it gives people evidence that life may be worth living if they can only get better. It gives them a place to admit to their illness, and admitting it is the first step toward resolving it.

Besides the psychological salve that support can bring to the wounds of your loneliness, there are important physiological reasons for being part of a support group.

Positive experiences can also be used to soothe, balance, and even replace negative ones.  When two things are held in the mind at the same time, they start to connect with each other.  That’s one reason why talking about hard feelings with someone who’s supportive can be so healing: painful feelings and memories get infused with the comfort, encouragement, and closeness you experience with the other person. (Buddha’s Brain: The Practical Neuroscience of Happiness, Love & Wisdom, Rick Hanson, Ph.D. with Richard Mendius, M.D.)

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I’ve talked to hundreds of folks about depression over the years and often found that a good chunk are resistant to joining a support group.  They feel tired and unmotivated to do so or feel hopeless that anything, even this, will help their depression. They have to meet this resistance and push forward because as depression expert Richard O’Connor, Ph.D. once told me, “Depression isn’t your fault.  But it is your responsibility to get better.”  And a support group, together with treatment, is one of the best ways for you to take responsibility for getting and staying better.

Small steps are best.  Before going to a group, get in touch with the contact person for the group and speak with them by phone, or, better yet, meet them for coffee to see if the group would be a good fit for you.

How to Find a Support Group

It isn’t as hard to find a support group as you may think.  Here’s my list:

The Depression & Bipolar Support Alliance

The National Alliance for the Mental Ill

Anxiety and Depression Association of America

Mental Health America

If you are a lawyer, check in with your local and/or state ABA’s Lawyers Assistance Program.

If there isn’t a support group in your community, my next blog will address how to create one.

The Death of Robin Williams, Depression and Suicide

Our hearts are broken. This funny, kind and gentle man is gone. He, like the 30,000 other souls that commit suicide each year in this country, was struck down by depression.

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Many people find it incomprehensible that someone so talented, beloved, good and wealthy could take his own life. One commenter from Fox, Sheppard Smith, (not surprising, I guess) called him a “coward.” What a cowardly thing to say from a man who has, most likely, never suffered from the grind of depression as Robin did. However, this commenter isn’t alone in his ignorance. One poll found that over forty percent of all Americans viewed depression as “a lack of willpower.”

Rather than cowardly, I believe Robin’s well-documented life-long battle with major depression and addiction was heroic. As someone who had lived in the trenches of major depression over the years and known hundreds of fellow soldiers like Robin, I feel that people who struggle with depression are my heroes.

chris reeveIronically, Christopher Reeve, Robin’s long-time friend who studied acting and roomed with him at Julliard, defined what a hero is:

“I think a hero is an ordinary individual who finds strength to persevere and endure in spite of overwhelming obstacles.”

Given his brilliance, fame and wealth, one could say that Robin was anything but “ordinary.” Yet, he was a flesh-and-blood human being, just like you and I, who suffered tremendously. And he, tragically, decided he just couldn’t take it anymore.

Until he committed suicide, he had somehow found the strength to persevere over the course of his life despite his poor mental health. I’m sure that there was many times that such perseverance involved pushing through the pain of depression on a daily if not moment-to-moment basis. The pain, known all too well by sufferers, must have been so dreadful that he was holding on by his fingertips.

A loss of hope was at the bottom of Robin’s decision to end his life, a loss that no amount of love, support and guidance could assuage.

As Elizabeth Wurtzel wrote in Prozac Nation:

That’s the thing about depression: A human being can survive almost anything, as long as she sees the end in sight. But depression is so insidious, and it compounds daily, that it’s impossible to ever see the end.

Psychiatrist Kay Redfield Jamison, a professor at Georgetown University, herself a sufferer from depression, had this to say about suicide in her seminal book on the subject, Night Falls Fast:

When people are suicidal, their thinking is paralyzed, their options appear spare or nonexistent, their mood is despairing, and hopelessness permeates their entire mental domain. The future cannot be separated from the present, and the present is painful beyond solace. ‘This is my last experiment,’ wrote a young chemist in his suicide note. ‘If there is any eternal torment worse than mine I’ll have to be shown.

Rest in Peace, Robin. Thank you for all the gifts you freely gave to the world. Your suffering is over.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Three Self-Defining Words

From Esperanza Magazine, a site dedicated to helping folks cope with depression and anxiety, blogger Carol Kivler writes, “Here are three essential words to incorporate into your life – Encouraged, Empowered and Enlightened.  Read the Blog

A Message From A Colleague

I have a problem with depression. Some of the people in my life outside of work know about this. But because of my fear of encountering social stigma and causing damage to my career, I choose to be very private about this in my professional life. That tough and personal choice comes with a price, as being secretive with people that I spend so much time with puts an extra weight on me.  Nonetheless, it is my choice, for now anyway. Maybe one day I will be able to face my fears, I don’t know. stigma 1 I recently read Dan Lukasik’s article titled, “A Lawyer Breaks the Silence About Depression Among Lawyers”. I am not a lawyer, but as a professional, this article spoke to me. I’ve been tempted to break my silence in the workplace about my struggle with depression. Dan writes, “If I had been sick with cancer or suffered a heart attack, would I write it (an article about his experiences with depression while practicing law) anonymously?” So I asked myself, “Would I keep things like that a secret from my coworkers?” Probably not. But the thought of opening up about my problem with depression….now that gives me pause. A part of me does want to just let it out and be rid of this beast of a secret. I believe that being free from hiding might help me heal when I’m coming out of a depressive cycle. I also believe that in some cases, it’s fair to let others know what’s going on. I thought about it. If I did break my silence, I might feel relieved-right? It’s not like I would be facing ostracism-right? What I realized is that I’m not ready to find out the answers to those questions. While I have great admiration for those who speak up about depression, I’m not yet comfortable in crossing that threshold myself. I’m not ready to let the professional world know who I am. For now, I am going to take this opportunity to write some things about myself, anonymously. If you are a fellow sufferer, maybe you can identify with some of the things here. If you are not, perhaps you will gain some understanding about my problem with depression.

  • I have to write this anonymously. I truly hope that one day, this won’t be the case for myself and other professionals like me. But for now, I am unable to put that part of myself out there. I dread the misperceptions and the labels. I need to work.
  • I am not dangerous. Seriously, I feel bad using a fly swatter. I am no more of a threat than a coworker battling cancer or living with diabetes. The truth is that the only living being I have ever been a hazard to is myself.
  • I have willpower. When I look back at all the times I’ve sunk into the black hole of depression, I can’t believe I’m not dead. But somehow I’ve been able to crawl back out, somehow I’m here to write this.
  • I am in pain a lot of the time. It’s doubtful that anyone would know it by looking at me.
  • I get very sad sometimes, and I don’t always know why. This happens more often than I would like.  When it does, I can’t just “cheer up”. If I could, I would.
  • I am grateful, for the big things and the small. I really do recognize the blessings in my life. I am thankful for those who love me, for human kindness, for walks with my dogs, a fan on a hot day, a good book, homemade fruit smoothies, and so much more. I still have a problem with depression.
  • I have a sense of humor. I get it, I may sometimes come off as super serious. Please don’t write me off though. When I’m not living through a period of darkness, or treacherously close to one, I’m actually pretty good at finding humor in most situations.
  • I am not antisocial. Nor am I aloof. Yes, I sometimes gravitate towards isolating myself. Much of that comes from a paralyzing fear of exposing my problem. I’m working on that. The reality is that when I’m well, I love good company. I crave it.
  • I do take ownership of my condition. And, I’ve finally accepted that my condition will be a lifelong battle for me. I know it’s not healthy to wallow in self-pity, solely blaming genetics and a stressful childhood. I know I need to own it. Yes, I have had moments of weakness.
  • I am not the only one. I don’t have any research to share or stats to show on this, but I’ve lived long enough to know that there are others like me. Other professionals who suffer privately.  If you are one of them, you are not alone my friend.

So there it is. I’ve just said more about myself than I ever have, without actually revealing who I am. It’s the best I can do right now, and I think it is progress. I’ll take it. Thank you for reading, and maybe I’ll see you at work tomorrow. By Anonymous    

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