The Depression Journey: Walking the Rocky Trail With a Therapist

 

Diagnosed with major depression by a psychiatrist when I was forty years old, I had to find a therapist who could help me. The physical side of the illness pounded me: sleeplessness, fatigue, and the inability to concentrate and be productive at my job as a lawyer. But also the psychological dimension: feelings of low self-worth, chronic sadness, and negative thoughts about my ability to recover and be happy again.

A friend recommended me to the man who would become my therapist for the next twenty years. Jerry was a psychology professor at a local university. From the Bronx, he has a wonderful, salty sense of humor. Not only was he brilliant, but he was also warm and engaging. I felt at home, and we quickly bonded.

During this dark time in my life, I felt isolated. More often than not, I felt lonely and didn’t know anyone with depression that could understand what I was going through. Jerry did. He became my closest ally, who was with me every step of the way as I dug my way out of the dark cellar of depression. It took time. And patience that was tough to come by as I slogged through depression for years. But his strong and kind presence saw me through. He gave me insight into what depression was and the ruminative, distorted thinking that the disease would churn out. Jerry called this “crooked thinking.” I learned to recognize such thoughts as not part of who I truly was but as part of the illness. It gave me a distance from them and made it easier not to identify with them. This opened up the possibility – and hope – that I could let go of these destructive thoughts and embrace more realistic, positive ones.

Why It’s Important to Join a Depression Support Group

“What can I do to help my depression?”

Well, there are many things you go do, really:  therapy, medication, etcetera, etcetera.

But one idea you might not have given much thought to: join a depression support group.  There are many benefits.   I have belonged to one for the past seven years. Here are some of my thoughts about why it’s good for you and how to find one.

Why It’s Good For You

One of the worst aspects of depression is the loneliness that sufferers endure.  There are several reasons why this is so: they don’t feel up to being with other people, others simply don’t understand, or they feel a sense of shame and hide.  While it may be a good idea to take “timeout” from others to enjoy some peace or not share with others that we have strong reason to believe won’t understand, these strategies are often maladaptive and only serve to maintain and/or fuel one’s depression.  Here is a bit of hard-won wisdom I’ve learned:  when I feel the worst is when I most need to be with other people and share.

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Being with others is even more critical when you’re in pain.  You need to communicate your distress and know that your “tribe” will listen and care.  When this doesn’t happen, you feel alone, distressed and even abandoned.  You wander in the wilderness of pain by yourself and endure it as best you can.  But don’t you deserve better than that?

Having a place to admit and share your story

Andrew Solomon, author of the best-selling book The Noonday Demon: An Atlas of Depression, writes:

Depression is a disease of loneliness. Many untreated depressives lack friends because it saps the vitality that friendship requires and immures its victims in an impenetrable sheath, making it hard for them to speak or hear words of comfort. Worldly success does little to assuage that agony, as Robin Williams’ suicide makes clear. Love, both expressed and received, is helpful, not because it  ameliorates the symptoms of depression (it does not), but because it gives people evidence that life may be worth living if they can only get better. It gives them a place to admit to their illness, and admitting it is the first step toward resolving it.

Besides the psychological salve that support can bring to the wounds of your loneliness, there are important physiological reasons for being part of a support group.

Positive experiences can also be used to soothe, balance, and even replace negative ones.  When two things are held in the mind at the same time, they start to connect with each other.  That’s one reason why talking about hard feelings with someone who’s supportive can be so healing: painful feelings and memories get infused with the comfort, encouragement, and closeness you experience with the other person. (Buddha’s Brain: The Practical Neuroscience of Happiness, Love & Wisdom, Rick Hanson, Ph.D. with Richard Mendius, M.D.)

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I’ve talked to hundreds of folks about depression over the years and often found that a good chunk are resistant to joining a support group.  They feel tired and unmotivated to do so or feel hopeless that anything, even this, will help their depression. They have to meet this resistance and push forward because as depression expert Richard O’Connor, Ph.D. once told me, “Depression isn’t your fault.  But it is your responsibility to get better.”  And a support group, together with treatment, is one of the best ways for you to take responsibility for getting and staying better.

Small steps are best.  Before going to a group, get in touch with the contact person for the group and speak with them by phone, or, better yet, meet them for coffee to see if the group would be a good fit for you.

How to Find a Support Group

It isn’t as hard to find a support group as you may think.  Here’s my list:

The Depression & Bipolar Support Alliance

The National Alliance for the Mental Ill

Anxiety and Depression Association of America

Mental Health America

If you are a lawyer, check in with your local and/or state ABA’s Lawyers Assistance Program.

If there isn’t a support group in your community, my next blog will address how to create one.

Batten Down the Hatches: Surviving a Depression Hurricane

I’ve always been fascinated by all sorts of weather calamities. But none holds my attention more than a hurricane. Though I’ve never been in one, I marvel at their power and size; spinning vortexes of blistering wind manipulated into different colors on The Weather Channel’s satellite video.

Many who are struck by major depression feel like they’re in a hurricane. They may have sailed in navigable waters much of their lives (the average age of onset of major depression is about 40). But then the skies darken. And the large swells begin. The winds go from buffeting to battering their ships of their lives. A type of emotional and neurochemical hurricane goes on in their brains and pulls apart their sense of self and neural connections needed to run their lives.

Just like a hurricane, major depression doesn’t last forever. It dissipates. The seas eventually calm. People come out of their of their deep troughs of sorrow. The average length of depression is about six months – sometimes shorter, sometimes longer.

The speed at which one recovers may be accelerated by treatment: especially medication and talk therapy. However, many people do not get help when they really need it. They don’t call the coast guard when they’re in trouble. They ignore the warnings, either dismissing it as “the blues” or maybe drinking too much or drugging themselves to blot out the pain.

To have a good shot at long-term recovery, it’s critical to not only get help but to recognize that this ongoing assistance will be part of a new way of life. The afflicted to develop and be persistent about self-care habits that go a long way to warding off future depressives episodes. Avoiding future outbreaks of depression is critical. And this is because mental health care experts know that the more depressions you have, the likelihood you’ll have ones in the future goes up dramatically. It is also usually highly recurrent, with at least 50% of those who recover from the first episode of depression having one or more additional episodes in their lifetime, and approximately 80% of those with a history of two episodes having another recurrence.

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One of the best ways to get out of the eye of depression’s storm is a support group. They combat the stigma and loneliness that wrap around the bones of a depressed person. In such support, sufferers find a kinship. As Ernest Hemmingway once wrote, “He knew too what it was to live through a hurricane with the other people of the island and the bond that the hurricane made between all people who had been through it.” The bottom-line is that there’s strength in numbers. Check out the Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance’s website to find a support group near you.

So don’t get caught in the hurricane of depression. Get help. And once you recover, develop a strategy that you can and do stick with to stay well.

 

 

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