Lawyers Archives - Page 76 of 78 - Lawyers With Depression

Walking in Bigger Shoes

Lawyers are an earnest, disciplined bunch. They love evidence – the “show me the money” approach to life. They’re hard-bitten pessimist, yet love the latest self-improvement projects pitched to them by the legal establishment. You know — graphs, charts and the Oprah-like cattle call to “Change Your Life in Five Easy Steps!” The goal of all these books and slogans is Happiness, as if it were a commodity for sale. There was a snappy piece yesterday in the New York Times Review of Books entitled, “The Rap on Happiness.” It’s a great take on this country’s obsession with finding the veritable Oz of bliss.

“The real problem with happiness is neither its pursuers nor their books; its happiness itself. Happiness is like beauty: part of its glory lies in transience. It is deep but often brief (as the poet Robert Frost would have it), and much great prose and poetry make note of this. Frank Kermode wrote, ‘It seems there is sort of a calamity built into the texture of life.’ To hold happiness is to hold understanding that the world passes away from us, that the petals fall and the beloved dies. No amount of mockery, no amount of fashionable scowling will keep any of us from knowing and savoring the pleasure of the sun on our faces or save us from the adult understanding that it cannot last forever.”

Lawyers walk in shoes that are too small for them, living lives that are too confining, unimaginative and which fail to challenge them to be their best. They need to switch from pinching wing-tips to cushy loafers. This switch gives a vital bounce to their steps rather than a lugubrious gait. The opposite of depression isn’t happiness; it’s vitality. It’s like a Swordfish bounding out of the ocean’s waves in defiance of gravity or B.B. King playing a blues riff on his guitar. They have a vibrancy that can’t be contained; they express themselves in a space where great stuff happens.

Part of the equation involves not so much pills or therapy, as the lifting up of our individual imaginations. Putting aside what’s possible in a concrete sense ( you know, the mortgage or student loans), have you ever looked out your office window and imagined the life you’d like to have? This is not the same as rumination; a constant churning of negative thoughts in our cranium which a depressive is prone to.

Rather, it’s an exercise in lively engagement with our Self. To engage in this effort, we have to pop our life’s stick shift out of “Neutral”, the frozen state that depression and/or anxiety can keep us stuck again. Locate the “Drive” on your shift and engage.

In this exercise, it might be helpful to think about the choices we make in a different way. Not in a self-recriminating way, but in a fashion that moves us in a constructive direction. We need to separate the wheat from the chaff in our lives; to decide what reduces or enlarges our spirits. Quality questions can help in regard. Not the common lament of depressives, “What the hell is wrong with me?” That’s a dreary question that goes nowhere because the answer we give ourselves is – – “Everything!” James Hollis, Ph.D., in his wonderful book, “What Matters Most: Living a More Considered Life” offers us a keen approach ourselves to view ourselves:

“Ask yourself of every dilemma, every choice, every relationship, every commitment, or every failure to commit, ‘Does this choice diminish me, or enlarge me?’ Do not ask this question if you are afraid of the answer. You might be afraid of what your soul will require of you, but at least you then know your marching orders.”

Incline your inner ear. Listen to your response to this challenging question. Enlargement of one’s self isn’t so much about happiness, as meaning. Deep down, we all want a life of purpose; where we feel our lives have a point, or many points of light for that matter. You don’t have to look far. It’s right beneath your bouncing feet.

Turning Your Life Around

Lawyers often sense that their lives have gone off track; they just don’t know how to fix them. They’re hit by daily demands that make it difficult to find their true north.

There are the demands that hurtle at them from the lives they occupy – the boss that’s yammering for more billable hours, families that feel upset by all the hours they spend at work or you-name-it-crap from this frenzied world.

Then there are the demands that emanate from somewhere inside of them; the part of themselves – their true selves – that wants a life with less stress, more meaning and a sense of connectedness to other people. While they pine for such a life while looking outside their law office windows, such reverie gives them a brief respite from the grind. But after the moment has passed, there’s an abiding sorrow. A sense that something has been lost that can’t be found.

Perpetual stress can keep lawyers from ever dealing – in a constructive and persistent way – with what they really want in life. They check their Blackberry’s more than check in with themselves. They don’t really know what they want most of the time; they just know that it’s not this. Emotional pain may be leaking out of them; for some lawyers, this has been going on for years. The pain might be mitigated in healthy (e.g. exercise) or unhealthy (e.g. drinking, drugs) ways. But, it will not go away – until they turn around and face themselves.

Lawyers need to become conscious of the choices they’re making during their waking hours. Of course, there’re exceptions, but the majority of lawyers have choices. They aren’t victims that are being forced to stay at their jobs. They’re choosing to stay at their jobs and do the work they’re paid to do.

Most lawyers, however, just don’t see it this way. They feel stuck in their jobs and lives with few viable alternatives. As odd as it may sound, they feel like victims. Friends of mine who aren’t lawyers scoff at my observation: “Lawyers victims? Give me a break.” Nonetheless, it’s true on an emotional level for many lawyers.

Lawyers can feel this way because (a) the “golden handcuffs” in which they’re just making too much money to quit; (b) they’re in too much debt; (c) they’d rather complain than face the abject fear that comes with making tough changes; or (d) they’re simply paralyzed by stress, anxiety or depression.

However, by turning from a stuck-victim status to a choice-maker posture they can begin to awaken to their true potential. They might have to make small changes in their lives or maybe a closet full of whoppers. Perhaps they’ll have to go back to the drawing board of their lives and sift through and separate what’s really important versus what’s trivial. This will take time; let nobody fool you on this one. People in our country are basically impatient; we want relief from our distress NOW. But, meaningful and realistic changes never seem to unfold this way. That’s just the facts-o-life.

Turning your life around may come down to this: What are you willing to do to change your life? Lots of people — not just lawyers — know that their lives aren’t working. The same group approaches their lives with all the right intentions of changing it for better. Most, however, will not change despite the chorus of voices from within telling them to do so.

I had a friend who would call me once a month and lament how unhappy he was. I’d listen for thirty minutes and then he, having discharged his discomfort, would say goodbye only to repeat this weather pattern about thirty days later.

Finally, six month in this telephonic waltz, I said “Tom, what are you willing to do to change your about life?” The question must have stunned him like a taser because there was silence — a dead silence — on the other end of the line. He evaded the question, said we would have to get together soon for lunch and hung up. Tom never called again.

Tom didn’t really want to change – – he wanted to bitch, a common past-time for many lawyers. He wanted my sympathetic ear to appreciate just how much he’d been screwed over by opposing counsel, an irate judge or his cranky wife. I had sympathy for Tom, but also a good deal of frustration because I realized that I wasn’t really helping him.

I would ask you the reader: “What are you willing to do to change your life” Are you willing to the feel the free floating anxiety that’s inevitable if you are to start changing your life? The longer the discontent goes on, the bigger the changes will have to be. The longer we delay, the bigger the kick in the pants from Life to wake us up.

Yes, work is only a part of life and many lawyers no doubt find outlets of meaning and joy along other avenues. However, as Gregg Levoy, author of Callings: Finding and Following an Authentic Life, such sizing up of our days miscalculates the energy and time we must invest in our daily jobs:

“Work is merely one of the arenas in which you play the game – the one the Gods are watching from the press-box atop Mount Olympus while sipping mint juleps. It is only one of the arenas in which you express your humanity, search for meaning, play out your destiny and dreams, contribute your energies and gifts to the world and spend your precious nick of time. It is also an arena in which you spend two-thirds of your waking lifetime and it is legitimate to love your work! Life is a thousand times too short to bore yourself. If someday your life does flash in front of your eyes, the very least you want it to do is hold your interest.”

Another Way For Lawyers to Think About Time Management

Law students, lawyers and judges are always pursuing time. Watches on our wrists act more like compasses than time keepers as they point us in directions we must march. A search on Amazon for “Time Management” books resulted in 632 titles. The wizards of time who penned these templates for success cover familiar ground: organization, prioritization and scheduling.

Yet much about the practice of law is fear driven: dire consequences will follow should we fail to get things done. Perhaps that’s why there are over six hundred books on the subject, many purchased by lawyers, and scores of articles on the topic for lawyers on the run.

“That’s just the way things are” is the legal profession’s anthem to the status quo of fear driven law. Time management isn’t embraced so much as an empowering experience, but more as a life preserver. I’m not going to offer any “solutions” to time management, at least in the traditional sense. If you need the more “how to” remedies, check out these books: “Time Management In an Instant: 60 Ways to Make the Most of Your Day” and “The Time Trap: The Classic Book on Time Management.” Here are some helpful articles on time management for lawyers: “How to Use Effective Time Management” and “Do You Have Time? A Few Thoughts about Time Management for Attorneys.” There is also a website devoted to time management for lawyers called “Time Management for Lawyers.” On the site you’ll find plenty of articles on this topic.

We often don’t think of time management as a reflection of our self-worth, but it is. Psychiatrist M. Scott Peck, M.D., author of The Road Less Travelled, once wrote: “Until you value yourself, you will not value your time. Until you value your time, you will not do anything with it.”

How much, we must ask, do lawyers value themselves as they slug through the ten hours a day or more they spend at their jobs? If it’s primarily about the money, the danger is that they can become defined by the almighty $ and all it can buy. That’s dispiriting and depressing, yet so often a reality for lawyers. By frittering away their days not fully and passionately engaged in what they are doing, lawyers are devaluing the totality of who they are.

Lawyers lose the perspective that all of us only have 1440 minutes in a day and when they’re gone, baby they’re really gone. As the novelist Annie Dillard once wrote, “How we spend our days is, of course, how we spend our lives.” We all have financial obligations of one sort of another. But if we funnel all of our energy and time into meeting this one aspect of reality, sorrow will surely follow. At the end of our lives, do we want to look back and think that our lives have been spent managing our time to gain more status, power and money? To do so doesn’t necessarily make us “bad” people. I would suggest that it reflects a lifetime of little awareness; an inability or difficulty to separate the trivial from the truly important events of our lives. Henry David Thoreau once wrote: “As if you could kill time without injuring eternity.”

Getting things done moves us through our days. But, we have to make time to savor these experiences both large and small. Making the resolution to do so is a noble. But the degree to which we adhere to this goal often waxes and wanes – as do our earnest plans to watch less T.V., eat better and exercise after our morning coffee. The waning could because we are discouraged, tell ourselves that we’re not particularly well disciplined or some other plausible excuse.

I have come to believe that the reason we don’t savor our legal experiences is because we have defined success too narrowly. We tend to buy into the clearly defined and conventional ideas of success offered up by the legal establishment. For too many lawyers this involves waiting for successful moments to happen and trudging through their days. As Supreme Court Justice Oliver Wendell Holmes warned, “Many people die with the music still in them. Why is this so? Too often it is because they are getting ready to live. Before they know it, time runs out.”

Living the music in you involves learning to be more process than product driven; as equally concerned with the journey as the destination.

We shouldn’t think of time management as just a good skill to develop, but also as something we are going to do because we value ourselves. Many “how to” books on time management fail to make us better at managing our affairs because some lawyers don’t like what they’re required to do to keep their jobs. How then do you “manage” work that you’re not crazy about doing in the first place?

To be honest, I don’t think you can over the long haul. Whether we recognize it or not, there will be a steep price for us to pay if we go down this path. We can’t keep doing things over a long period of time driven by fear and anxiety with impunity. The bill always comes due. Our bodies and minds keep a tally of how we have treated them. If we have ignored their carnal needs for love, affection, rest, exercise and purpose, in a sense we have betrayed them. The result is often exhaustion, stress related illnesses, anxiety disorders and depression.

Let’s begin anew. A New Year is around the corner. Let’s start to think of time management as not just something to make us more productive, but as a way to learn to take care of ourselves. Built into our time management must be time for ourselves. I created my own personalized “Self-Care Tool Kit”. Each of you should have one of these in your emotional garage. When I felt helpless in my depression, I would pull out my lists of things I could act on to help me feel better. Acting on these things was also a way to demonstrate to myself that I wasn’t helpless, a common cognitive distortion with depression.

Try not to think about time management as getting things done so much as getting you going. It can be enormously difficult for people with depression to finish projects. In my experience, however, it is even more difficult for them to begin. They often have a sense of being lost and not knowing how to start a task. I would sit at my desk and look out the window waiting for the angels to move my fingers on my keyboard. I viewed all tasks as an all or nothing proposition – another cognitive whammy that depression throws at us. Against the steep benchmark of getting everything done during a depression, I would do nothing.

I learned to retool my approach. The only thing that worked was to become very concrete and deliberate about work. I began to pay attention and make an inventory of what did and didn’t help me get things done. Sitting at my desk pounding out a brief for three hours didn’t work when I first experienced depression. Working on the same brief for a half hour, stopping to return two phone calls and then a 10 minute coffee break did. This sounds simplistic, but it’s a testament to how small changes in our behavior can change the character of our days.

Make a list of ways in which you currently work. What are the obstacles? Some of those problems are pragmatic; some of them are more existential. See time management as another way to value yourself. You’re going to manage your time because you need to practice valuing yourself.

Missing The Point

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I recently read a tragic article about a young man at New York University who jumped to his death at the school’s library the other day. One of the school’s spokesman said, “It’s a very competitive school that stresses people out. This sort of stuff happens at places like this”. Sort of like a variation of “shit happens,” don’t you think? I think this misses the point.

Some months ago, I wrote a blog article called, “The Death of a Law Student.” A brilliant young man – I’m sure much like the man who killed himself this past week – from Fordham Law School, David Nee, killed himself shortly before graduation. While there may be no concrete answers to these tragedies, I feel that there are lessons to be learned.

First, when reporting these stories, there is usually no mention of the victim’s psychological history. Neither is there in most news accounts of the 30,000 people who kill themselves every year in this country.

That’s okay, because everyone has a right, as does their surviving family, to privacy. Yet, I am sure if we were to know the whole story about these victims, we’d find that the majority of them had been suffering from depression for some time. It wasn’t just “stress” or a “competitive academic environment” or a job loss which caused these deaths. Perhaps, it was the latest in a series of emotional struggles; inner battles which that person fought valiantly but ultimately lost.

Second, I think these suicides underscore just how painful depression really is. Dr. Kay Redfield Jamison (click here to read an interview with her), author of the recent and definitive book, Night Falls Fast, captures this sense of pain:

“Depression paralyzes all the otherwise vital forces that make us human, leaving instead a bleak, despairing, and deadened state. It is barren, fatiguing, and agitated condition: one without hope or capacity. All bearings are lost; all things dark and drained of feeling. The slippage into futility is first gradual, then utter. Thought, which is pervasively affected by depression as mood, is morbid and confused. The body is bone-weary; there is no will; nothing that is not an effort, and nothing that at all seems worth it. Sleep is fragmented, elusive, or all-consuming. Like an unstable gas, an irritable exhaustion seeps into every crevice of thought and action.”

It is so painful, in fact, that some sufferers would prefer death to the ongoing agony of dealing with depression for the rest of their lives. They often conclude that the noonday demon will be with them forever because of their inner battle and many failures to overcome or contain it which have been going on for some time. Seeing no progress or hope on the horizon, people take their lives. They experience a sort of “combat fatigue.” They just can’t get out of their foxholes. It feels like a dead end.

It’s very difficult for suicidal people to think about anything but the pain they’re in. It is hard for them to connect to the very real pain – emotional devastation really – that loved ones would feel were they to take their life. It’s as if they’ve become unmoored from all those who care about them and can only hear the siren of depression’s screaming wail.

I have been encouraged by others who have never experienced depression not to blog about the “grim topic” of suicide. To me, that’s like saying let’s not talk about cigarette smoking and cancer. Untreated depression – like smoking packs of cigarettes everyday- can and often does lead to death.

In a real sense, I don’t give a damn what others think. I want to reach those people out there who are suffering with depression and need someone, for Christ’s sake, to tell them that they understand and they’re not crazy to feel this way – even when it comes to having suicidal thoughts.

People who have suicidal thoughts should seek help right away. Click here for immediate help, a toll free number and additional resources. There were plenty of times during my deepest depressions that I felt like I couldn’t take it anymore. And there was no hiding place; nowhere that I could go to escape the clutches of depression. It covered me like a wet wool jacket as I stumbled through my days. I always reached out for help and it saved me.

I think that people who experience depression are very brave people. They must cope with something very painful. Often, they don’t feel supported. Often, even when they are really supported, they don’t think so because their depression tells them otherwise. It’s the voice of depression giving them the old screw job every which way they turn.

Had we broken arms or legs, it would be so simple. Loved ones would respond – maybe with flowers and chocolates and a puffing up of our favorite pillow – with love and care.

Sometime ago, I was trying to tell my mother and older sister about my depression. They weren’t terribly moved and I got angry. I said, “Maybe, if my head were falling off and I was spouting blood, you would believe me then. You would give me a damn ounce of compassion.” Looking back on it, I really don’t think they were being selfish bastards. I think that they just didn’t know. They didn’t have any frame of reference for what depression is or just how painful it can get.

This really doesn’t make it any easier for the depressed person. They feel misunderstood at a time when they feel broken. They’re reaching out to people beyond their therapist and psychiatrists and hoping to find friendly souls to assuage some of their anguish. “Surely, people will understand me and care about this,” they often think. But others are often frightened and minimize the problem: “Just get the hell over it” they preach from the pulpit. All the while, we stand there, crying inside and feel all alone in a veritable wasteland.

A few times, in the worst of times, I even thought that maybe if I really did kill myself, then others would take my pain seriously. But what a supreme tragedy such an act would be; it doesn’t solve anything and would only leaves a cosmic trail of pain in its wake forever. I am so grateful that I never acted on any of these impulses.

We all want so much to connect at a time when depression has disconnected us. We feel ourselves falling with no parachute. Yesterday, I give a presentation to thirty undergraduate students on the topic of depression. After my talk, I fielded many questions. One young woman asked, “what do you think helped you most in getting over your depression?” First, I said that I hadn’t gotten over it; I would have it – in some form- probably for the rest of my life. I told her that it was contained and manageable, not cured. I also said: “Probably, what helped me the most was time.” My depression and who I am has changed over time. It didn’t kill me. I survived and continue to work at it like a miner digging for coal. I have learned creative and effective ways to cope with it. It doesn’t rule my days – most of the time.

After hearing my answer, she exclaimed, “How brave you are.” I responded: “I really don’t feel brave at all. What I do feel is determined”. I feel determined to fight my depression in all of its manifestations. I feel determined to not let it define me and my life.

It is such determination, over time, that helps us recover from depression. It gives us hope because we can actually witness ourselves not giving into our melancholy. We don’t need to keep being victimized by it. Sure, there will be days when it might get the better of us. But, as the old Zen saying goes, “fall down seven times, get up eight.” Keep getting up.

The Remains of the Day

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“Then summer fades and passes and Fall comes. We’ll smell smoke then, and feel the unexpected sharpness, a thrill of nervousness, swift elation, a sense of sadness and departure.” – Thomas Wolfe

I felt like a tortilla a few days ago; you know, flat and doughy. There’s a realization that summer’s really gone, and that the chilling zaps of winter are on the horizon.

When I wake up now, it’s dark. While driving to get my coffee, the whole murkinessof the morning is compounded by the cold rain hitting my windshield. Long gone are the summer showers that can feel so refreshing. These drops are brooding; they cover everything like oatmeal coming out of the sky.

I’m looking out the window at my regular coffee haunt – Starbucks. I like the regularity of it as the seasons change in front of me. Everybody there knows my name – sort of like Norm from Cheers. I like this easy familiarity; especially the witty banter about the work day about to begin.

I start to read a book, but throw it back in my brief case. The shortening of our days and sunlight, in my experience, seems to make depression a bit worse. The dark dank seems to reflect our inner landscape. I know winter’s coming – sort of like I felt when I knew the Bar Exam was coming. Emily Dickinson captures the sense of the melancholic days of winter:

“There’s a certain Slant of light, Winter Afternoons – That oppresses, like the weight – Of cathedral tunes. Heavenly hurt, it gives us; we can find no scar – But internal difference – Where the meanings are.”

For those of you who don’t know – but I’m sure most of you do – science has chimed in and concluded that the lack of sunshine makes some of us feel pretty crummy. It’s called Seasonal Affective Disorder (“SAD”). The reduced level of sunlight seems to cause a disruption in our biological clock which let’s you know when you should sleep or be awake. It also can lower the levels of serotonin (a known culprit in depression) and melotonin which affects our sleep patterns. Click here to see a list of symptoms compiled by The Mayo Clinic to see if you suffer from SAD.

According to expert, Norman Rosenthal, author of the book, Winter Blues, there’s an estimated fourteen million Americans who suffer from SAD and another fourteen percent of the adult U.S. population estimated to suffer from the winter blues. Dr. Rosenthal states: “Though these people are not usually affected severely enough to seek medical attention they nevertheless feel less cheerful, energetic, creative, and productive during the dark winter days than at other times of the year.”

The Mayo Clinic lists a number of remedies to treat SAD including medication, lifestyle and home remedies and alternative medicine. Things that I’ve felt helpful are as follows:

The first is the purchase and use of a bright light. It’s a box that throws off a high concentration of light. You sit in front of it for thirty minutes to a hour and let these simulated sun rays soak into your brain. For more information about how these devices work and places to buy them, check out the companies Sun Box, Inc. and Full Spectrum Solutions, Inc.

Second, I’ve found that it’s very important to schedule my vacations in the winter. My family and I go to sunny locales and bask in the sun like tortoises.

Third, get warm anyway you can. I do this in two ways. I make regular trips to the sauna at my gym. There’s nothing like sitting around with a bunch of naked guys that you don’t know –some of them are pretty hairy – to work up a rejuvenating sweat. The only thing missing are feathered head dresses and peyote. This can also be accomplished with using the old hot tub. I also change to a “warming diet” when the cold winds blow. Click here to check out a series of great articles (just click again on the “Healthy Tips” button located on left side tool bar) from Dr Elson Hass, author of the best-selling book, Staying Healthy with the Seasons.

Law and the Human Condition

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Many people who went to law school didn’t have a burning passion to be a lawyer. They did so because they didn’t know what else to do with their undergraduate degrees. Some went on to find and embrace their calling as lawyers, some did not. Some have left the profession. Most have not.

Those who haven’t left, but think of doing so – sometimes daily – are legion. Forbes Magazine reported that a full 38 percent of attorneys say they somewhat regret their career choice. Additionally, Harvard Law School counselors estimate that 20% to 30% of active attorneys are considering another career.

I recently bumped into the Valedictorian of my law school class. She told me she had chucked her law career awhile ago, went back to school and was now an elementary school teacher. She had gone from power suit blues to L.L. Bean greens. When I told other lawyer pals about this, they weren’t shocked – they envied her.

Recently, I had lunch with a contract lawyer at the Oyster Bar in New York City. He had come from a long line of lawyers and judges in his family who encouraged him to go to law school. After graduating from Harvard Law School, he worked seven years at a large Manhattan firm. As we slurped our Clam Chowder, he told me that he didn’t know one person that was happy being a lawyer. That if they could get out, they would. Now it may be that misery loves company, but let’s be honest: there are a lot of unhappy folks out there. Lawyers walk the halls of justice and corridors of power – or maybe just look out of a Starbucks window – and wonder why they just can’t turn things around and just feel happy.

I don’t think job dissatisfaction is unique to lawyers; it’s the daily fare for most Americans. A recent MSNBC article read: “Americans hate their jobs more than ever in the past 20 years with fewer than half saying they are satisfied.” People, deep down, feel broken and vulnerable, but just have to keep going in order to survive in this tough economic climate.

My friend and psychologist, Richard O’Connor, in his book, Undoing Perpetual Stress, captures the daily plight of the average American struggling to make to make it:

“Here is where I leave trying to explain physiology [how stress and depression affect the brain] and turn to something I know about – life as it’s lived in the USA. I get to hear all about it from my patients, a wonderful cross-section – aging Yankees, rising Yuppies, farm and factory workers, teens and seniors. Most people are living with, I think, a fear of fear. There is a sense that something is fundamentally wrong with the way we are living our lives, but a reluctance to look closely at that. We know deeply that we’re in serious trouble, but we live our daily lives as if everything is fine, whistling past the graveyard. We try to purchase inner peace, knowing perfectly well that’s impossible, but not seeing an alternative. Or we tell ourselves that someone will figure out what’s wrong someday, and until then we’ll just have to wait. Or we’ll simply live our lives later. Or we may believe for a while in the latest fad – a political leader, a spiritual leader, a self-help guru. We try to follow what the fad tells us, but it usually doesn’t do much for our troubles, so we give up and try to forget again.”

I give a lot of speeches across the country to groups of lawyers about stress, anxiety and depression. It’s always interesting how many contact me later and say that while they aren’t depressed per se, life isn’t going very well. There have been plenty of times I’ve considered – or it’s been suggested to me – that I consider changing the name of my website from https://www.lawyerswithdepression.com/ to something like www.lawyersdealingwithalotofshit.com. No, it’s not a real website so don’t click on it. The point is that lawyers are stuck not only dealing with the high decibel life as a lawyer, but also the everyday crap that all Americans must try to handle everyday.

Dr. O’Connor helps us to understand the breadth of the problem for the average American:

“Then there are those without a diagnosis: I can’t estimate the number who feel their lives are out of control because they can’t lose weight, they can’t stop procrastinating, they can’t get out of debt, they can’t speak up for themselves – “soft addictions,” bad habits that make them feel miserable and ashamed. They are still others who are like the living dead – numb to their own existence, busy working, buying, doing – feeling vaguely empty but compelled to continue, too busy even to sit and look at their lives. Their depression has grown on them so insidiously that it feels normal; they believe life stinks, and there’s nothing they can do about it. And finally there are the rest of us, who still have to find confidence, connection, love, who have to raise children without guidance in a crazy world, often watch our parents lose their minds if they live long enough, and wonder about the meaning and importance of our lives. Even those of us supposedly without emotional problems, there is still the nagging fear that we’re faking it, just making it up as we go along, and praying we don’t stumble.”

This quote isn’t meant to bum anyone out – okay maybe it’s a tad bit melancholic. However, I would argue, not morose. I think it’s a true picture of the dilemma that most people deal with everyday as they cross at the traffic light pounding out on their Blackberry’s, yell into the old cell phone above the din of traffic noise or wonder ten times a day where they’re going to find the energy to deal with it all.

What makes lawyers different from the average Joe (and Jane)?

I would argue that there are a couple of things. First, the adversarial nature of the profession: unless you are into slugging it out everyday (unfortunately, I’ve had opponents who thrive on this), the law will wear you down physically and emotionally. Second, it is a career that is made up – maybe to a degree that few others are – of the mentality that you’re either a “winner” or a “loser.” Third, much of the public has a murmuring resentment or outright disdain for lawyers.

What to do about all of this? On this score let it be clear that I am not speaking to you from the mountain top, but from the valley. I struggle with these problems – and the potential antidotes – every day. But, I will give it a whirl.

First, recognize that many people are in the same boat as you. If you recognize that you are not alone in feeling the way you do, it can ease your burden. Some of this stuff is just the human predicament. Most people have a difficult time navigating through life. Chalk it up as a part of the deal we all signed on for when we were born into this troubled world.

Second, change your thinking. I call this the “stressed-out-lawyer” myth. This doesn’t contradict what I’ve said earlier; the point is that lawyers compound their pain by telling themselves — at virtually every moment of the day — how out of control they are. These thoughts, which a mental commentary on reality, – just plain out don’t help. We need to be more constructive in our thoughts. You’ll have to make the effort on this one.

Third – and I will never tire of tooting this horn – exercise. We can’t ever forget that we are essentially animals with high powered brains. The law jacks up our bodies with all sorts of high voltage situations we must confront. We must find a way to discharge this energy or it will wear our batteries out. Your poor body is literally screaming out to you to get rid of the stress before it eats away at your health. As the Nike commercials say, “Just Do It!”

10 Ways to Deal with Depression

A lawyer with depression used to call me once a month. He would tell me about the emotional problems in his life. Many times, he cried. This went on for a year. I listened each time for about a hour and then the conversation would routinely end with, “catch you later.” Yet, nothing changed for him. At some point I said, “Bob, what are you willing to do to change your life?” He seemed surprised by the question. He never called back. Perhaps a good starting place for you to think about healing, is what old behaviors are you willing to change or what new behaviors are you willing to try to help you get better?

In her book, Listening to Depression: How Understanding Your Pain Can Heal Your Life , psychologist, Lara Honos-Webb, views depression not just as an “illness”, but as a wakeup call; a signal that we have been traveling down paths in our lives that have been unhealthy. She encourages us not to see depression as just a disease, but as an opportunity to change our lives. There is something in us, if we would only listen, that is telling us that we are killing ourselves.

We often don’t listen. So that voice turns up the volume until we get sick with anxiety and depression – or heart disease, hypertension and cancer.

As lawyers, we are experts at looking at problems from an analytical angle. When we turn that powerful lens on ourselves, seeking to “solve” our depression, it just doesn’t work. That’s because much of our distorted thoughts and strategies that got us into trouble with depression, can’t get us out.

After we have been diagnosed with depression, we can evade responsibility for our own recovery. Some time ago, I was in a great deal of pain. I told my therapist that my depression wasn’t going away despite my sincere efforts. I felt punished by my depression. He gently told me, “Dan, you haven’t done anything wrong. You’re doing it to yourself.”

This was a turning point for me in dealing with my depression. When I stopped letting depression victimize me, I began to take responsibility for getting better and started behaving and thinking in more constructive ways. That being said, what constructive steps can lawyers take to deal with their depression?

1. Get help

You can’t handle this by yourself. It’s not your fault. It is a problem bigger than any individual person. There are Lawyer Assistance Programs in most states that can get you started in the right direction, provide resources and help you with referrals. Click here to search by state for a program nearest you. While this advice sounds self-evident, believe me, it is not. Recent statistics reveal that eighty percent of Americans don’t get any help for their depression.

2. Maybe you have to take medication

That’s okay. You may have a chemical imbalance which you need to address. For many, psychotherapy won’t help until they quiet down there somatic complaints (e.g. extreme fatigue, sleep problems) so that they can have the energy and insight to work on their problems. However, “one size doesn’t fit all.” Medication can – and is – over proscribed. I also have a problem with family physician diagnosing depression and recommending antidepressants. Eighty percent of the scripts for antidepressants in this country are written by such doctors. Better idea: go to be evaluated by a well-regarded psychiatrist who specializes in mental health and doesn’t also treat stomach upset, fungus on the feet and the flu. For a fair and balanced review of the pros and cons of medication, check out HELPGUIDE.org, a not-for-profit organization.

3. Negative Thinking

Whether you will need medication or not, you will need to confront your negative thinking with a therapist. You really can’t do this effectively with friends or family alone. A lot of research suggests that cognitive behavioral therapy is a particularly effective form of treatment for depression. It teaches us that a large part of depression is made up of cognitive distortions. One example is the all-or-nothing thinking approach. Lawyers often think to themselves that they’re either “winners” or “losers” in the law. This is a distortion because the reality is that most lawyers both win and lose in their careers. Check out this excellent website article for a list of other cognitive distortions. I recommend interviewing a couple of therapists before you settle on one.

4. Exercise

The value of exercise is widely known: It’s is simply good for everybody. For a person with depression, it becomes not just about a healthy habit, but a critical choice. In his book, Spark: The Revolutionary New Science of Exercise and the Brain, Harvard psychiatrist, Dr. John Ratey devotes a whole chapter to the importance of exercise in treating depression. Please check this book out. Also check out this short article from the Mayo Clinic about how exercise can help with the symptoms of anxiety and depression.

5. Spirituality

If you have a spiritual practice, do it. If you don’t, think about starting one. This could include anything from a formal meditation practice, going to Mass or just taking a walk in the woods. A lot of research suggests that people who do have a spiritual practice do better with depression. If you believe in God or a higher power, you can avail yourself of help and support from Someone who is bigger than your depression. If you do not believe in God, maybe you believe in some other form of spirituality you can tap into. Spiritual growth and development, in my opinion, is an important pillar of recovery.

6. Join a support group

I started a lawyer support group in my community and it has been going strong for two years. Such groups can be invaluable in helping you to see that you are not alone and that others share in the very same struggle. Contact a Lawyers Assistance Program in your state. If you don’t feel comfortable being in a support group made up of lawyers, there are plenty of other routes to go. Check out the website run by The Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance. They run depression support groups meetings in all fifty states.

7. Get educated

Read some good books on the topic of depression. As part of your education, learn about the powerful connection between stress, anxiety and depression. I recommend you read Dr. Richard O’Connor’s, Undoing Perpetual Stress: The Missing Connection between Depression, Anxiety and 21^st Century Illness. Dr. O’Connor opines that depression is really about stress that has gone on too long. The constant hammering away of stress hormones on the brain changes its neurochemistry. This can and often does result in anxiety disorders and clinical depression. I list a number of other great books on my website at Lawyers With Depression. The site also offers guest articles, news, podcasts and helpful links for lawyers.

8. Build pleasure into your schedule

As busy lawyers, we have the “I will get to it later” mentality – especially when it comes to things that are healthy for us. We have to jettison that approach. We must begin to take time – NOW – to enjoy pleasurable things. A hallmark of depression is the failure to feel happiness or joy. We need to create the space where we experience and savor such feelings.

9. Restructure your law practice

Nobody likes changes. Lord knows, I don’t. Yet this pointer falls into the category of “what are you willing to do?” Maybe you will have to leave your job. Is this stressful? Yes. Is it the end of the world? No. Maybe you will have to change careers. I have spoken to many lawyers who haven’t been particularly happy with being a lawyer since day one. But they kept doing it because they didn’t know what else to do, the legal profession paid a good buck, they didn’t want to seem like a failure, they were in debt, etc. I am not trying to minimize these very real concerns. However, your good health (as I learned the hard way) has got to reestablish itself as a top priority in your life. I changed the nature and variety of my practice and am the better for it. I do less litigation. As a consequence, I have less stress which has been long known to be a powerful trigger for depression. It can be done.

10. Practice mindfulness in your daily life

A lot of attention has been focused on the use of mindfulness lately as a way to help depression. In mindfulness meditation, we sit quietly, pay attention to our breath and watch our thoughts float by in a stream of our consciousness. We habitually react to our thoughts (e.g. “I will never get this brief done”). In mindfulness meditation, we learn – slowly – to let the thoughts and feelings float by without reacting to them. If such an approach to depression seems far-fetched, read the compelling book, The Mindful Way through Depression: Freeing Yourself from Chronic Unhappiness, for an excellent primer on how you can incorporate mindfulness into your day. Check out this article written for my website by one of the book’s authors.

In closing, I often tell lawyers to remember to be kind to themselves. When I say this they usually look puzzled – like many a judge who has listened to my oral arguments. They’ve rarely, if ever, thought about it and don’t know how to be kind to themselves. I believe that it first begins with a conscious intention – “I am not going to treat myself poorly anymore.” Such a simple refrain can help us.

Depression is often built upon poor mental/emotional and physical habits. Our inner pain can bring us to the point where we have had enough. It begins to dawn on us that we are worthy of love from ourselves and others and that part of such love involves taking care of ourselves. I hope these suggestions help you on your path.

Where does the Rat Race Lead Us To?

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Lawyers are very busy people. They multi-task like a short order cook flipping pancakes in a busy diner. First or second gear is simply not an option.

Speed becomes a large problem for the depressed lawyer. The murky bog of depression short circuits a lawyer’s capacity to move, think and act quickly; everything takes longer and is incredibly more difficult to accomplish. We see our work getting away from us, but are pinned down in a foxhole. Depression is spraying bullets at us as we feel them whizzing by our heads. So we stay stuck in this foxhole, unable to gain traction to meet our daily demands.

I think there’s a couple different ways to look at the lack of productivity in our work; whether it’s due to depression or not. Since you’re reading this blog, your difficulty in pumping out the paperwork is likely due, at least in part, to depression. It may also be that you just don’t like your job, the type of law you practice or are even dream of quitting the profession. What the precise cause or causes are need to be sorted out with a good therapist and wise friends.

For example, is the work slow down due to a neurochemical mix-up in your brain affecting your ability to concentrate? Or, is it a general malaise which suggests that you’re just burnt out and tired of all the bullshit? They’re really different animals.

Depression treatment, because it involves a real impairment in our ability to function as lawyers, must involve care which tries to return us to some normal or pre-depression levels of functioning. I like to imagine it as the ascent of a diving bell to the ocean’s surface.

Burnout, on the other hand, has been defined by experts as situational exhaustion and helplessness that’s usually specific to our job or burdensome task. We’re asked to do work that’s beyond our capacity to get it done. It’s not defined as a psychiatric “illness” per se like depression and usually demands a different kind of healing approach.

But what if we aren’t “technically” depressed, at least not in a clinical sense, or burned out? What if the real spur in our saddle is that we’re just unhappy in our lives as lawyers? We may find ourselves yearning for a greater sense of fulfillment and happiness in our daily lives, but it all seems so illusive. As a result, we keep doing what we already know how to do: put the old nose to the grindstone, try to just survive the blowtorch-like stress and drama and, hopefully, find some semblance of happiness.

Tal Ben-Shahar, Ph.D., a Harvard professor and author of the book “Happier,” says that how we go about searching for happiness is an important part of finding it. He identifies four archetypes – or patterns of behaviors and attitudes – with which we pursue happiness. One of the patterns he identifies is the “Rat Race Archetype.” This pattern of behaviors and attitudes “. . .sacrifices present enjoyment in order to be happy in the future.”

As applied to law students, lawyers and judges, we do well in law school to get that well paying job that requires an eighty-hour work week. We’re supposed to be happy because that’s why we sacrificed so much of our time and energy to get to where we are or want to be. But more often, we find that “the sense of fulfillment disappears, though the drudgery remains,” says Ben-Shehar.

Paradoxically, outsiders may regard the rat-racer as a paragon of success. “Others may even see him/her as a role model for younger children, suggests Ben-Shehar:

“’See, if you work hard, you can be successful like [Bob] too.’” But Bob actually pities these children, but cannot imagine what alternatives there are to the rat race. He does not even know what to tell his children: Not to work hard in school? Not to get good grades? Not to get a good job? Is being successful synonymous with being miserable? Being a hard worker is not the same as being a rat racer; there are supremely happy people who work long hours and dedicate themselves to their schoolwork or to their profession. What differentiates rat racers is their inability to enjoy what they are doing – and their persistent belief that once they reach a certain destination, they will be happy.”

There’s no easy remedy to counter the rat race archetype in the legal profession. Yet, I feel that offering some insight into the problem can lead us to think differently about our predicament. After all, insight is one of the major goals of all psychotherapy. Such insight may even result in our making small or large changes in how we structure our daily law practice. We need to reassess the motivation that is running our lives; the “why” of what we do and not so much the “what.” Lawyers complain about what they have to put up with: the demanding clients, impatient judges, opposing counsel who (we swear!) has it in for us or the Himalayan-like stack of papers on our desk. Yet, we don’t often ask ourselves where this “putting up with” approach is leading to.

Our society rewards doers, especially in the legal profession.

“We learn to focus on the next goal,” say Ben-Shahar, “rather than our present experience and chase the ever-elusive future our entire lives. We are not rewarded for enjoying the journey itself but for the successful completion of a journey. Society rewards results, not processes; arrivals, not journeys. Once we have arrived at our destination, once we attain our goal, we mistake the relief that we feel for happiness. The weightier the burden we carried on our journey, the more powerful and pleasant is our experience of relief. When we mistake these moments of relief for happiness, we reinforce the illusion that simply reaching goals will make us happy. While there is value in relief – it is a pleasant experience and it is real – it should not be mistaken for happiness.”

If our legal life is a series of moments of relief, we will not experience much happiness. I had to learn this one the hard way. I needed to reassess: why was I doing what I was doing? When I was honest with myself, I found that I saw completing my work as, primarily, a source of relief. I had become a very good lawyer, but much of my motivation was spurred on by this motivation; of flopping onto the sofa at the end of the day and thinking, “Thank God that’s over.”

Happiness, in some sense, seemed unrealistic to me before. I now believe that thinking of happiness as unrealistic is a small box view in a big box world of possibilities. We can change our motivation from one of chasing cheese to one of seeing that life happens in the present moment and not some future success. Our life is really a series of moments, isn’t it? And if we bet the house on the American anthem of “no pain, no gain” to obtain some future level of success, we may find that we end up not where we really, truly want to be.

Do Elders Have a Place in Helping Us Heal from Depression?

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Recently, an article about depression ran in the USA Today newspaper. In essence, it repeated the oft heard formula about how to treat depression: recognize the symptoms, visit and be evaluated by a psychiatrist (and go on medication if needed) and see a psychologist. I have lived out this trifecta of care and treatment and it certainly did help me recover from the worst aspects of depression. But, there was always something missing.

Two weeks ago, I decided to find and commit to a spiritual director in my life. This has taken the form of engaging a person to fill that role in my Catholic tradition. When I first met with my director, I said that I’d lived quite a bit up in my head as a lawyer. I didn’t want to read anymore books or facts about God. I was looking for a relationship with an elder who could teach me about deepening of my relationship to God.

In recent times, our society has called such a teacher-student pairing “mentoring.” Often, we think of it as an older person forming a relationship with a younger one centered on an activity such as school or sports. I believe that it can and should be more than that. And it certainly doesn’t have to take a religious form nor does it have to be an older person imparting his/her wisdom to a younger person. People can be our “elders” by virtue of their wisdom and/or special connection we share with them; indeed young people can be “old souls.”

I did a search today for depression and mentoring on my computer and all of the search results concerned adults helping out younger people to recognize and treat their depression. Yet, don’t we all wish that we had someone to guide us whatever our age? How many times have I heard veteran lawyers tell me that they sorely miss that parent, grandparent or special friend that was there to affirm them and to whom they could talk about the larger issues of life.

In contemporary society, psychologists (or more recently, “life coaches” or “executive coaches”) often fill the role of elders. My own psychologist (a true atheist whom I love and respect dearly), loved my idea of engaging an elder guide calling it “creative.” While depressive thinking does need to be confronted by healthier and more adaptive thinking, it may also require a larger dimension in which to examine and heal from it. Therapy can and does help us to “deal with”, “overcome” and “adapt to” depression. But for me at least, it doesn’t answer the larger questions of meaning. What meaning does this depression have in my life, if any? If it’s just the product of genetics, purely a disease, is there any meaning in it? If it’s just a psychological malady, why would I even bother – or feel the need – to address the spiritual dimension?

Think about it. Think about an organic experience with someone who may provide you with spiritual insight into your depression and help move you in a healthier direction. They can be like an old pine tree that you encounter during a long walk in the woods. How do we find such an elder? First, we have to be open to the idea and recognize that it could be of value to us. Once we have reached this place, we can begin to think creatively about who could fill that role. For me, it was a formal relationship with a spiritual director. Talk with your friends, spouse or psychologist about who could be a good fit for you. It’s true that when a student is ready, the teacher shows up.

Create space in your life for such a teacher and see who comes knocking on your door.

The Need for Community

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My psychologist said something remarkable months ago: “You’re a real loner Dan.” I really never thought about myself that way – and I’m 48 years old! But after reflecting on it awhile, I found what he’d said to be profoundly true. It didn’t mean that I didn’t have people in my life that I love and who love me. I have the best wife, a beautiful daughter and great friends. Yet, I often didn’t see just often I isolated myself by choosing solitary activities. There’s nothing inherently wrong with this. It’s a question of balance. For me, the scales are tipping in the direction of reaching out and enjoying the fruits that only happen when really sharing with others.

And it’s not just lawyers that feel lonely. In a recent edition of the national publication for judges, Judicature, it was estimated that 70% of judges feel lonely. While there haven’t been any depression studies on judges, as there have been for law students and lawyers, one can only imagine their high depression levels.

I know that when I went through the worst of my depression, it was a very lonely experience. Not because people didn’t try to be there for me and help. Rather, it was because depression short circuits something in our brains that makes us essentially human: our capacity to engage with and feel connected to people. I’ve often said that being a lawyer can be a lonely job and believe that most lawyers, at least in their private thoughts, feel this way. When this loneliness in our jobs is compounded by the isolation we feel during a depression, it has a crushing effect. Oxygen disappears from the room only to be replaced by the vapor of melancholy. It feels like there is no escape and we are pounded into submission; a submission that on one level makes no sense because we are still carrying on with our lives – but just barely.

Lately, I’ve felt the desire to end my isolation. I have begun to recognize that what is most important in life, really, is family, friendship and community. It may sound trite and simplistic to offer this up, but such a simple truth has long eluded me in my life. My best friend, my wife, has seen me reach out to her more and it has only deepened our marriage. How many of us who have dealt with depression don’t reach out to the most precious person that we live with everyday? For some of you, it may not be your spouse. It could be anyone that you feel close to. If you don’t have someone like this in your life, it’s critical to develop one because a hour of therapy per week and a trip to the psychiatrist once a month simply is not enough support, love and encouragement to recover from and stay out of depression.

Think hard about your life. How much time do you spend with friends that you really connect with? What is your relationship life with your spouse and children? As lawyers, we often think and say, “Time is money.” However, the span of our lives is short and none of us is guaranteed even another day on this earth. If you are spending all of your time at the office and neglecting your need to connect with others, the cost is simply too high.